I sometimes wonder why I don't smoke. I need to keep my mouth occupied.

Just as things are going well with being friends with Tom, I say something stupid and it goes down the shitter. I really need to learn how to keep my mouth shut. I'm such a f*ing idiot, really.

Despite being an asshole just now on the phone with Tom, I had a pretty awesome night hanging out with Kris.

(When did I become such a flake? I long for the days when my posts had substance. ** Long exaggerated sigh. ** )

I guess whining about it won't do a bit of good.

Kris and I talked a little about religion tonight. I had mentioned the article in Newsweek that described the "rebel Catholics" who have begun making "Catholics wear condoms" ads. If I wasn't lazy I'd get off my ass and find the article, but, you know. Anywho, we just started talking about the Catholic church, Life Teen, Franciscan.... how been a good Catholic when we were younger was about "faking" an adoration experience, talking to a priest about our sins, (*I swore, I lied to my parents...*) and going to mass every single Sunday - along with the program after. We just got into this discussion of how we were brought up believing we were bad and having the guilt, and constant apologizing. Somehow, all of this was supposed to make me a great Christian. So where am I now? No faith life what-so-ever. Unless you consider the tremendous amount of guilt over skipping mass on Sunday to study. Is that all Franciscan taught me? Guilt?

Let's place some of the blame on myself shall we? I'm the awful Catholic who left the "heaven on Earth" college. If I wanted a deeper relationship with God I would have stayed at FUS and signed up for a weekly adoration hour and began going to daily mass. Yeah. To sit there and wonder where the f*ck God is in all this bullshit.

My sister has her f*ing intestines hanging out of her and an IV in her arm. And I'm sure if I was a better Catholic I would know how to pray to God and ask Him to heal her and make everything okay. But I'm a shitty Catholic who left the perfect school and skips mass to study. And honestly, I can't find God anywhere right now.

~~~

Yeah. I'm done.