I had my beer (singular) and pizza (slices - plural) last night. It's comforting, the lazy ramblings between Tom and I as he does work and I do nothing. There is a song that pops into my head from some soundtrack I'm sure I own.... "feels like home to me/feels like home to me/feels like I'm all the way back/where I belong." Lately I've felt that way, like this is it. This is where I am supposed to be. With these people, with this job. The past few days, hanging out with Tom last night, working yesterday at The Dubliner, and the two nights I've been at UC really made me feel like I came home. It just feels like I belong here. This is what I was searching for. This is what I found.

I can honestly say I am happy, with my life, my friends, my job, my family. I think what comes naturally to me now is that I know there are holes. Before I don't think I noticed them. I can point out the weak spots, the rotten areas, and the emptiness in my life (the garden of life,) but I'm content with fixing one problem at a time. The metaphor is that the flowers grow out of the soil - but there also is a story of a woman who is watering her garden. She works on one part of her garden at a time, watering it with the tools (faith) she has available. In the beginning she only has her hands to use to water the garden, and as she fixes more of the garden (and journeys through life,) it is easier for her to water her plants. She soon has a bucket to water her plants with, then a gardening hose. As her faith grows, her garden is nourished and blossoms. The flowers grow from the holes, the rotten areas, and the emptiness her garden once was.

Noticing the weaknesses, the holes, the rotten areas, the emptiness is a step in growing up that must be taken. As a child you believe that the world is perfect. As you become older you realize that the world isn't perfect, though you want it to be. When you mature, you no longer want life to be perfect, you're happy with it just as it is. I've reached that phase. I see the world isn't perfect, life isn't fair. And that's okay. It's o-kay. Just that thought is so releasing. I don't have to make life perfect, or be upset when things aren't fair. I can accept the imperfections of my garden, and still smile when the flowers bloom.

~~~~~

Who could believe all that musing came from a bottle of beer and a few slices of pizza? Don't ever give me them together again!

Cosmo's always have a Book Club article, from different "racy" new novels. I got a kick out of this month's choice:

"As hard as Max tried to fight his feelings, he found himself falling in lust." That's page one. Then after they have what can only be found in novels and is described as perfect and intense, it ends with: "The problem was, he wasn't just falling in lust with this woman, he realized he was falling in love as well." Okay, that is a load of bullshit. Excuse the language. But seriously. Who ever uses the phrase "falling in lust?" Not to be Ms. Catholic School Girl, but shouldn't you feel some of that "falling in love" stuff before the supposedly perfect and wonderful happens? Not to mention that all the adjectives were describing the impossible. I just don't understand these "romance" novels. Cheap porn.

I smell like work. I absolutely detest that smell, the stale ciggarettes, the grease, the food. Anguilano's made me smell the same way, just gross. Work today was interesting. I had to follow Kelly around. She was from Boston, an older woman with a strong accent and very intense personality. I had so much fun the night before training with a woman named Michelle, and I feel like I learned so much with her. With Kelly I ended up following her like a lost puppy and clearing dishes after her. I didn't do much of anything at all. Rephrase, I did nothing. I'm working tommorow, hopefully it will be a better night.

Denise burned the new Matchbox Twenty CD for me. It is awesome. I suggest it, even if you haven't enjoyed them in the past, this CD is great.

That's all for now. Smile. =)

Men in the room. MB in the pj's.

Not good.

With the UC Bearcats (traitor I am) yesterday, I went to a haunted house. "Went" is perhaps not the correct verb. "Carried, dragged, forced." We got as far as the parking lot, and came across "Monster on Stilts." Who noticed me freaking out, and decided to come closer. I turn and run, he follows. As fast as a man on stilts can. I quivered by the bookstore until everyone else caught up, and Phil (junior architect major and friend of Denise's roommate Chelsay,) picked me up and carried me all the way to the ticket booth. He then decided he wanted the front of the group, and I did not want to have anything to do with that, so Travis (another of Chelsay's guy friends,) decided to hold my hand. It ended up me grabbing his "flab" as he puts it. I clung to him like a teddy bear at night.

I felt like such a baby. Then again, I was. It ended up being an awesome way to meet some guys though (I don't think I've ever bonded with guys as well as last night - for knowing them for only a night,) and an easy way to loosen up and have fun.

On the phone with my dad tonight he pointed out that I go to XU and should be meeting people here. I need to put that on my list of things to do.

I am so glad I am going home this coming up Thursday. I need a break.

(I like it here at XU - instead of FUS - don't get me wrong. The needing a break has nothing to do with that.)

Sometimes I wonder why I try to make everyone like me. Especially if I don't particularly like them. Why then, do they need to like me? We should just dislike each other in peace.

It surprises me how quickly a week can pass. It seems like it was just Sunday...

Anywho, this past Sunday, (besides still being awake at two in the morning,) I hung out at UC with Denise and her friends. It was great to hear Chels call me her "new best friend." I don't think I have to worry about being a traitor to XU... I don't think I will make it to UC often, but when I do, it's good to know I'm welcome! =)

As everyone who talked to me Sunday heard, I met the man I'm going to marry... then of course ruined it this week by making him think I was hinting for a ride to work. Oh well. We all know that's not unusal for me. Besides, he's too young. (Only twenty. Damn, that's like, my age.)

Monday I had a huge Theology test, that I'm sure I did GREAT on. I love those kinds of tests. Grr. Plus a Spanish quiz that she says we did good on, but I know that means all D's. Tuesday was my training at Dubliner, and that went quite well. I met a few other people, one guy named James who is a senior here at XU and really really cute. (Oh yes, and nice.) He drove me home after work. We got to talking, he applied and almost went to FUS. How strange. I gave him my number so he can call me. When he's coming in to work of course. ;)

Tuesday night was crazy. I had three minutes to throw on jeans and put together my half of Bible School before I left. The kids were so rowdy. We now have eleven, and I think a few need to be on drugs. They are soo hyper. If you have any ideas please let me know. (Or any drugs.)

Wednesday was continued crazyness (or for Brian, chaos.) I was in lab for a good part of my afternoon studying for my practical, then I had four classes and work at six. Which I must say was an experience. Starting in the parking lot - I tied my tie on Tuesday and then yesterday tried so many times and it just wasn't working - so when we arrived Tom got out of the car and attempted it himself. I haven't had a good laugh in a while... especially with him. It was a nice change from my week. Work was work... I'm a bit vertically challenged for some things, none of my tables will recieve straws and I'm not going to be good expo help because I can not reach a thing in the kitchen. It reminds me of Ang's ... there seem to be regulars on the slow nights... and the slow nights are slow. I think we had four tables all night. Not good. Unlike Ang's though, two people can ring up a pretty penny eating at the Dubliner with alcohol and full meals, so I shouldn't do bad on tips. One of the other servers said she can do between forty and one forty... so that's nice. My next day is Sunday morning for brunch so hopefully things will go smoothly.

Today was annoying because in both of my classes I had exams. I think they went okay, but I don't know until I see my score on paper. I should be either napping or taking off my license plates from my car... so I think this is enough blogging for one day.

(Sidenote: I used hyper and crazy and chaos and annoying and all those gross words to describe a stressful week in this blog. Eck. Hopefully the next blog will be peaceful and nice and wonderful. I will be home on Thursday! See you then!!)

Catching up on living before I catch up on blogging.

Smile.

I'm bored and I keep clicking on the Internet Explorer icon and checking blogs. I doubt that anyone has updated within the past three mintues. Especially since it is two in the morning.

I have found a TV show I may actually commit to watching. "Date Patrol" on TLC takes someone hopeless and attempts to give them some hope. And a date. It's hi-larious. Today they took an average schmuck who still lived with Mommy and Daddy and gave him ugly tee-shirts to wear and taught him martial arts. His hair was the worst, some rollercoaster eighties flip. They turned him into a gay Joey (from N*Sync) lookalike. I felt bad for the schmuck.

Blah.

I think the stress level of the past week has made me susceptible to viruses and I believe I am sick.

(I was annoyed with the slang, "I've caught a bug," "I came down with something.")

I am watching the news and I just finished browsing the newspaper. I don't know if I can say I read the newspaper, because I didn't. I did notice, and fully read, two articles, one in the first section on Cincinnati feeding the public school kids free breakfast at school, and the second in the Business section. AOL Time Warner is removing the AOL from its name because AOL is such an embarrassment.

The news on TV is all about Baghdad, a bomb went off earlier so they have been covering "Operation Iraqi Freedom," all day today. One of the newscasters was standing in front of a wall of pictures of men serving. It reminded me of Scott. God bless him.

Crazy people in Maryland are standing in lines hours long for dry ice. Reminded me of "Blackout 2003." Wonder how that's going. Fixing that and all.

That's enough of me being non-ignorant. I'll return to my former state.

(Did blogger always have spell check? It caught three of my spelling errors. Un-decent.)

I should be studying for a test but I'm stressing out about it, and really, why should I? I know I will do fine, I know it won't be hard, and I know I know the material.

Sigh.

The insurance people come look at my car tommorow. Perhaps by Monday I will know what is going to happen to Lady.

Off to study A&P.

My internet is temporarily broken. Unfortunately, that means no witty away messages or twelve p.m. catfights. (I am so cranky when I'm tired.)

I am MPB @ Blogspot:

"A Prime Example --- This is the type of person (URBella) I was talking about in my 8 September post, those ones who like school way too much... What a dork. When you start equating missing a class with sinning you know you have problems. Not even the seminary tried to pull that one."

I am MPB on AIM:

I am MPB: Well, I am guessing on one of these questions, which I hate to do, but I guess that's life.
I am MPB: Nuts, here we go
I am MPB: I like B and C C the most, A gets mixed reviews from me and D is an all of the above.
I am MPB: Well here we go, this may be my first missed point
I am MPB: Grr
I am MPB: DAMN IT!
I am MPB: I got that one wrong!
I am MPB: It was all of the above
I am MPB: I knew it, I should have picked it
I am MPB: GRRRRRRR
I am MPB: I don't have a 100% anymore
I am MPB: I have a 99.497487437185929648241206030151

(No further comments.)

Hi.
Did I mention I don't want to talk about it? I don't. So don't try.
Bye.

I'm making a list of drinks I don't like. Surprisingly, I can stomach regular beer better than some of these fancy drinks. I'm trying one out now, the Silver stuff... but I think I will just pour it into my Franciscan waterbottle and save it for another day. (By then it should be flat. I still hate carbonation.)

My car - Lady - is going to be joining Michael's Escort (did you have an Escort? I hardly remember...) in car hell possibly by the end of the week.

I assume I've had enough time to ... think about... what happened and have prepared myself for any negative remarks about this weekend. Of course, don't expect me to be nice. I haven't been in a nice mood since Saturday when I stopped crying and screaming that my parents were going to kill me. The only person I've been remotely nice to is the person you all wish I would hate, mostly because he has been nice to me, and also bought me some mind numbing juice.

I also could say I've been nice to my folks, because I'm still breathing and anyone who knows my family understands the miracle in that.

Anyway, if you really do care to know I recieved my first ticket and was in my first accident. Killed both birds with one stone, and shoot for the third, I messed up my car enough to cause more damage than the price I bought it for, and just enough to consider it totalled.

Oh and did I mention the new job? I can't wait to find out how I'm going to be driving to my new job.

Plus, it seems I have sent the three girls from the back seat to the hospital, hopefully to recieve some codine. That was a joyful call this afternoon.

Should I add the lack of sleep? Constant worrying? Anger?

I guess actually telling everyone about the accident would be wise. I don't feel much like talking about it though.

As I tell Brian - WALL.

(No, I did not hit a wall. I was cited for failing to yield at a stop sign. I missed seeing the person coming towards me and he hit the back of my car. The bumper is now in the trunk folded in half.)

I was in a deleting mood.

I met a guy. Looking back at daisysmba.diary-x ....

August 24th 2002:

"Oh! In my older man fashion I met a cute and fun grad student. Don't remember his name of course, but we talked for a little at lunch, and he is a veggie eater as well. (Coolness.)"

That was my FIRST day of orientation. So I think that waiting until the third week of school to blog about a guy that I met is noteworthy. His name is Andy... he's in my Theology and in ROTC. I think he is a freshman or sophmore... but anyway, I always noticed him and then at the end of class one day he mentioned some book he was reading. (Let's admit, I'm a dork, as Michael likes to blog about, and how big of a turn on is a guy who reads?) It became a perfect conversation opener - I emailed him (there are class email lists on a class website, how fortunate...) and asked him about the book.

It ends up to be a very controversial historical book called the DaVinci Code. I believe I heard about it prior, but from a few emails back and forth he's told me more about it. I know this sounds really silly, but I feel like a girl, giggling when I see him, looking for reasons to email him... sigh. =)

Tonight I'm going to head to Newport with the FUS girls and there is a HUGE Barnes and Nobles ... this book is going to be my gift to myself...

Oh yes. I got the job at the Dubliner Irish Pub. I am soo excited. Pota-toe pancakes here I come.

While my left side becomes frigid because of the air conditioner two inches away, (and my right side is a bit warm in my fuzzy hoodie, go seminary,) I blog.

Well blogging was put on hold because my left side needed to be defrosted so I unplugged and moved to the bed.

BREAKING NEWS BLOG: SHADOW HAS A ROOMMATE.

Just in from the XU campus, Kuhlman Hall 6 West.... someone has moved in with shadow. We already aren't sure what is up with this whole new suitemate thing. She moved all her crap into the bathroom, and then put up a sign with ducttape (how tacky,) that says: "You're mother doesn't live here, clean up after yourself!"

I'm scared.

On with life, I went to my second job interview today, with a Pub called the Dubliner. I think I made every classic mistake in the book, arriving late, under-dressing, admitting that I couldn't carry trays....

He said that I was "high on the list," because I had experience and I could work weekends. Here goes my life, out the window.

That sounded suicidal.

I broke the not speaking to Tom agenda.

That's all I have to say about that.

Then there is my sister, making fun of me:

shorttcchik: hahahahaha work out shorts...........u don't even work out hhaaaaa
shorttcchik: so y did u buy them
shorttcchik: if u don't work out
shorttcchik: i can't belive u bought shorts
shorttcchik: especially work out shorts
shorttcchik: o man i am going to pee my pants
shorttcchik: haha this is great
shorttcchik: take a pic please and send one to me
shorttcchik: stand infront of a white wall when u take the pic
shorttcchik: so i only see ur work out shirt and shorts cause everything else will blend in with the wall
shorttcchik: it will help me see the outfit better
shorttcchik: get one of those sweatbands too but put it around ur head like a headband
shorttcchik: so ur hair sticks out on top
shorttcchik: omg........
shorttcchik: are they spandex?
shorttcchik: that would be the brightest moment of my life if they are
shorttcchik: u know the ones that cling to ur body like a glove
shorttcchik: o that would look amazing on u
shorttcchik: haha
shorttcchik: and get the matching spandex sports bra
shorttcchik: and the matching sweatband

So Brian Said: Because you've got a good handle on acting mature and being attractive, but when you actually try, you get all awkward and flustered.
So Brian Said: It's fun to watch both.

I don't think anyone has diagnosed me any more perfectly.

Dissapointment of the day - J Alexander's didn't call as they said they would.

I also missed out on a great shopping excursion with Denise, because she didn't feel good. Heather came with me instead. We had fun, even though she shops thrift (and bought more than I did for $10, while I spent around $50,) and I .... shop. We also never made it to Polaris. Easton is just so inviting, being outside, and it was a wonderful day so we stopped there, and didn't leave until dinner time. I chanced calling Dan (from the past) and he was home and available for dinner, so we met him at a Max and Erma's near his place. It was a fun time. He is such a character, and I love telling him about how he was back in the day and having him completely confused. (Drugs are bad.) Heather liked him, she said that he's one of those people that you can look at and tell they are a good person. Which is so true. He is such a good guy. She also said it was amazing how he came out of his past and background and transcended it, quitting the drugs and booze and getting good grades and a scholarship. It was just so nice to see him again, it's been over a year, (and before that it was over three,) and I know that he's going to continue being an amazing guy.

I returned with three shirts, a cute pair of workout shorts, and the new Guster CD. Which is very very mellow, and not so hyper and I remembered Guster being, but still a wonderful CD. I'm hoping I can make it to the concert!

I also returned to India freaking out because her sorta boyfriend IMed her. She was talking about love and all that shit. Part of me was very happy for her, glad she has love, and part of me wants to remove love from the dictionary. It shouldn't exist.

I am in love.

With J Alexander's, the upscale romantic restaurant located just minutes from my dorm.

I also think I have the job! YAY.

Did I mention the servers wear all black? That is the largest incentive ever.

Things here at XU are looking up. There are wing events with the girls from my hall, shopping with Denise and Eggroll (possibly) at Polaris, the PC3 concert!!!!!!! YAY.

Okay but here's the not so good things about XU. My first lab was today and is going to be work. Lots of it. I'm not too excited about all the extra hours that are going to be devoted to getting an A in that class, but what must be done... well must be done. I still have a stalker, and possibly picked up another (a guy this time Michael.)

Tom is still a thorn in the side as well. I think he feels obligated to hang out with me. The more he forces it, the worse it becomes.

I have nothing else to say.

MEMO:

To: The Bardwell Boys
From: MaryBeth and Lindsay
Re: "The First To Leave Bet"
Date: September 2, 2003
Deadline: December 10, 2003

To whom it concerns:

A bet has been placed to establish which Bardwell boy will "Leave First." The victor will win a wonderful consolation prize to be announced at a later date. Here is the bet:

Several Bardwell boys have made comments pertaining to their wishes to leave northern Ohio and travel to visit either Lindsay or myself. Knowing that statements by Bardwell boys regarding visiting the aforementioned women can often be erroneous, a bet has been placed. The bet is designed to see if any of the Bardwell boys will "Leave" and visit Xavier or Butler. The "First To Leave" before December 10, 2003 will win a consolation prize. The rules are simple:

1. You must physically leave northern Ohio and physically be in the presence of Linsday or MaryBeth.
2. Rules can be added to the Bet by either Lindsay or MaryBeth at any time.

The game is simple! Good luck!

Sincerely - MaryBeth and Lindsay

(MaryBeth and Lindsay can not be responsible in the result of accident cause by or to any participants. Make sure to stay awake and be safe!)

We watched Legally Blonde yesterday and when she becomes stressed she gets her nails done. I cut my hair and blog. Which I did both of today, cut my hair, (the back! augh! with a mirror though, scary as it sounds it turned out fine,) and anywho, here's the blog.

I have a shadow. Perhaps if this was a continuing chapter of Soap, my longlost novel, it would look like this:

"Shadow Box"

Common advice going off to college is the typical one liner: Be friendly, make friends! The people who still choose to socialize with me back home put emphasis on the "friendly" aspect, since it is common knowledge (rumors! all lies.) that I am anti-social. (Which is so wrong, I'm schizoid, which is the true term for anti-social but whatever.) During orientation though, as I think I blogged about, I was sick, so I didn't have as many chances as I would have liked to talk to others.

I did then blog about meeting Melissa. She's my suitemate (we share a connected bathroom,) and moved in on Sunday. I was sick that day, so when she moved in I was in the dorm all alone because the other orientation kiddies went to a retreat center for a day. Listening to the advice of my elders, I said hi, went to church and dinner with her, and generally hung out with her all Sunday. Later in the week I made other friends, while still inviting Melissa along.

Melissa was very open to telling all about herself - she is twenty, went to community college, has no friends because they all don't like her and abuse her for different reasons. Her parents make beer, her mother wants to take her to a bar when she turns twenty-one, she's never dated and wants to have kids before she's twenty six. She ideally would prefer to be married now, and loves kids. She teaches at a school for the deaf and is amazing at sign language. (catch the sarcasm.) Her mother did her homework assignments for her because she just couldn't do them, she's failed many many classes, her and her friends go to bookstores and look at sex books and the positions that are in them... I think I will stop.

Then - she turns crazy. She flat out said she was dependent, and since I was the first person to say hello she's clung to me like no other. She reapeats everything I say, she tries to finish my sentences so we are saying the last words together always, she stands way to close whenever we are out too. (We went to the bookstore, now I like shopping with an exclusive group in bookstores. You know. She stood on top of me the whole time, commenting on everything I looked at and telling stories about extended family that had no point or meaning other than to distract me.) She's begun dressing like me, my signature outfit of black, jeans, and a belt - stolen. What else? Oh yes, she listens in on what's going on in my room. She will tell me the next day, "Oh I heard you and India talking about guys last night," or when I was relaying a story about the girl across the hall coming into my room when I was in my robe, she cut me off and finished the story. She heard everything that went on. She also never leaves me alone, coming into my room all the time, and never leaving. Even after everyone else has gone to bed, she is still here. I don't think it sounds so bad as it really is. I hate being suffocated like this.

The worst part is that she doesn't shut up. Ever.

Oh and that I can't even talk to anyone on the phone and have a private conversation without her hearing. Invasion of privacy. It would be different if she was respectful and didn't TRY to listen. She's already proven though she does.

I am going to scream.

Heather (across the hall) made a comment about Melissa the other night when we were alone: "She says she has no friends, do you think she ever thought about why she has no friends??"

Come visit. Save me.