I should blog.

I'm reading Frances Mayes, Bella Tuscany, the continuation of her life in Italy, her first book being Under the Tuscan Sun (not to be confused with the movie, that I hear is awful.)

During the years portrayed in this memoir, she travelled to Sicily. She writes: "A man, with those amazing black, Sicilian, deep-as-well eyes...."

I've looked in the mirror a few times to see if my eyes are "amazing black, deep-as-well eyes."

Also, I watched Armageddon last night. We had a snow day, so my homework was completed, and it was the only movie on TV at the time.

Chris came partially through, and decided to make fun of the movie, while I sat wrapped up in it. It becomes hard to be emotional when Daddy decides to die instead of hubby, when you have Chris fake sobbing next to you. Oh well.

That's about all I have to say for now. Blogging is tedious when you beat around bushes.

Chop chop.

I had a few dreams last night that Chris brought me a bottle of red wine. I woke up and had to think for a few minutes where I stashed it... remembering after awhile that it was a dream.

Is it bad waking up at ten thirty and wanting to drink the whole bottle of wine? Yes.

I've been a shitty friend lately. I'm kinda wondering what is wrong with me. Then again, my friends sometimes don't understand when I say I have no money, I actually mean it this time. None. At all.

Red, red wine.... come back to meeeeee.

Ok so everyone knows I was supposed to go out last night with Topher and the rest of the Dubliner group. I ended up falling asleep around eleven thirty and he woke me up an hour later.... Ooops.

Well, I suppose I should get on with my day.

Shower, cleaning, homework, and dead cats.

Perrfect.

From where I'm sitting, all I can see out of my window is the sky. I love the early evening hues. When I was younger I always painted the sky blue, but looking out at it, there is a touch of soft yellow, some pink, violet, and endless royal blue. The clouds, just wisps, perhaps an afterthought. The beauty of something so simple leaves me in awe of life.

* Just in case you wondered... (no pity party necessary.) *

My Tues-Day

7:15am
Woken by the coffee pot brewing and the cleaning man swearing at our overflowing garbage room.

8:30am through 9:45am
(y=3x + 2; if x=2, y=?) Woken (again) by my Calculus professor proving that while half-asleep, before the coffee begins working, I can not know the answer to the basic fifth grade math she is teaching us.

10:00am through 11:15am
Doodling through my Ethics professor discussion of Plato's hidden meaning in his phrase "awaken to the cock crowing," and astonishing lecture on how God was a voyeur who became tired of the Adam and Eve pornography so chose for no reason at all to make a tree that he decided, for shits and giggles, to make forbidden. What was astonishing is that he actually seemed to have comtemplated the truth in his porno ideas.

12:00pm
Food. Which is, as usual, overcooked pasta in a bland tomato sauce with garlic breadsticks.

12:30pm
Begin the trek to my Psychology class. I started counting the stairs I have to climb but got bored past fifty.

1:00pm through 2:15pm
Sit through an hour and fifteen minutes too much of my Psych professor telling us stories about how her daughter's kids enjoy throwing towels and shoes down the laundry chute.

2:30pm through 4:15pm
Dissected most of the upper body veins and arteries in our kitty, and had to place a sheet of paper over it's head because I was so close I could kiss it. Gross.

4:30pm through 5:30pm
Laundry, and a very long shower because of the feline stench.

6:00pm
A quick re-heated dinner that was thrown out because of the similarities to... certain lab projects.

6:15pm through 9:15pm
Allowing my ten students to take control. Giving up when the ADHD throws his paper valentine with a "How I love God" drawing across the room pretending it was an airplane.

9:40pm through 10:40pm
Shopping at Meyer's (food store,) for cheese and crackers for Spanish class. My crazy Spanish teacher assigned us random food to bring in for our Chapter Six lesson on restaurants... luckally I wasn't stuck with pollo, (chicken,) since she thought it was normal to buy chicken fingers from Burger King for a whole class to eat on Food Day.

Also run into a cook from work, Tex. I was just telling (Chris)Topher about him, how Tex often crossed the line... sexual harrassment would have been a realistic charge. Tex wanted to know when I was returning to work. All of a sudden, returning to work isn't so exciting.

10:50pm
Home. Should do homework. Eating food that is making me not feel so good. Wondering when I should go to bed. Knowing I can sleep for a few hours tommorow before I go play with dead kitties again.

The End.

Neurotransmitters firing:

There are days when I sit back and look at my life... and wonder why I can't fast forward a few years to get this all over with.

Tried and true? Or new and.... blue? How does the saying go?

I still need a vacation.

In one hand you hold a candy bar, and the other some celery. You know, Mamma told you so, that the celery is good for you. You've always craved the candy bar. What do you do?

I just love Brian's attempt at normalcy. He like, totally sucked at trying to blend in with rest of society that totally doesn't know how to talk correctly. (Then again, my attempt was quite lame as well.)

Kelly and I talked about colleges for her yesterday. How strange. My baby sister going to college in a year. Eak.

I had Philosophy this morning. Already two pages of notes, plus an eye, lips, fruit bowl, and abstract in the margins. I convince myself that doodling "helps" me pay attention, but perhaps that was the coffee.

I've been looking in the mirror (figuratively) lately and wondering where this person that I see before me came from. It feels like I woke up one day and just decided to change. Grew a backbone. There is more to this thought, but it seems to have slipped my mind.

the end

Quote of the day from Tommy J: "It (*strange pop-up folder on my computer) can cause your computer to do very bad things, like die."

Well then.

Working on the blog. I should be unpacking. It has been twenty four hours and I still haven't touched half of my things. Eak.

Emotions are confusing.

Randomness:

I had a dream a few nights ago that Lisa wrote me a note telling me that she forgave me.
~
I need to stop talking. I said "coolness" the other day, in the company of a Gap co-worker that I haven't seen in a few years. Tonight I was out with Walden's people, and called the one girl "hunny." Really now. I need some duct tape. I'm glad my shoutbox is defective so I can't see you making fun of me.
~
I was excited about returning to school until tonight, when it's actually tommorow and I'm dissapointed, because I feel like I just got home. Not that the bad feeling lasts. I still want to leave. Funny, I'm looking forward to the awful caf food. Three somewhat, make that two, balanced meals. I think Mom made three pots of soup this whole time I've been home. Soup leftovers are not pleasant. She stopped cooking ages ago, but it's just become worse while I've been away. There isn't anything at all in the fridge, and I know all children complain about how bare the very full fridge is, but ours has ketchup and pudding. Oh, and soup.
~
I think I need a vacation.

I messed up this blog beyond belief, going back to the basics for a few days until I have time to sit down and clean up the mess I made on here. Don't miss the shoutbox too much. Not like anyone used it.

Thinking, for three hours during my work shift, made me realize that I was quite mean for taking out my anger on Chris in my previous post. I'm not going to delete it, but I am going to apologize.

I'm sorry.

I'm hurt, but it's not fair to hurt you back.

The shoutbox is currently not working. Send me an email instead.

Hi Chris.

When I began a journal online, SBS and I had a conversation about baring our souls to whomever may be reading. Usually, most of what I reveal is within reason... I don't just let go and tell it like it is.

Here it is, like it should be:

I don't understand men. I don't understand why they can have all the fun they want with me, and, metaphorically, or literally speaking, crawl into bed with their girlfriend at night. Where did my stereotype of being the "lover" come into play? Why am I the girl to have a fling with, a short little rendezvous, the ongoing affair? I say I want a boyfriend, and I do. I want a boyfriend so I can stop the trend of being the side dish. I want to be the fucking entree. Let me be the cocky bitch who admits that she knows men fall at her feet. Let me be the cocky bitch who is tired of them being "taken" men.

You know what? I am to nice. Way to nice.

Why did you bother coming?

You said I'm good at questions - why lead me on with words, and never follow through with actions?

Did you feel like you needed to tell me in person?

Why should I care? You just proved your like all the others. I'm so dissapointed.

I'll be waiting for an email.

Sicilian Boy Wonder and I (refer back to November's posts,) had a four hour conversation last night... this morning. Not to be forgotten, I also had another wonderful four hour conversation with SBS, mostly about women, respect, and the usual topic of late, the Church. Sicilian Boy though... he confuses me. We both are smart people, he's studying biology to become a doctor, and most of you know I want to get my doctorate in psychology... but our conversations are lacking... in anything educational. We flirt, I tease him constantly about stealing him away from Mandy, who "stole him away from me," we talk about how conservative we both are - how we always listened to our parents and how we never were bad, and we tell each other things the other person didn't know. (I paint, he's an avid novel reader.) This nothingness takes up four hours of somethingness. Even his girlfriend had gotten offline and we were still on for another hour just going back and forth. Usually, in the middle of the conversation there is the "When are we going to see each other in person?" conversation. He said last night that we should forever have an online relationship and never see each other in person. (At XU, that is highly impossible, and last semester it was only made possible because I rarely went to the library where he lives.) This semester we have a class together, so it won't happen that way. I just don't know what he's afraid of. Teasing him, I said that he must be afraid that seeing me in person would remind him of just how awesome, and hott and sexy I am... and he would be whisked away by me. His answer? "Hmm... maybe." (AH! Men.) In a week I have class with him. We will see who ignores who.

I'm closing the store every night this week. Thursday is my last day... then Saturday I go back to school. I don't understand why they waited until the last week to have me close, they are going to waste time tonight teaching me how to "close," and I'm going to waste time the next three nights trying to remember how to do it myself. I'm frustrated beyond belief.

More later.

UPDATE:

Remember the "Date#1" (better known as, that-was-the-worst-date-ever?)

Well, he's stuck around. I recieved a text message from him a week ago, and this IM just a few days ago:

"We have that one amazing night together and u never talk to me again? I'm so hurt."

He swears he was just "messin' with me" by saying that, but honestly, that was the cherry to my whipped cream. I think I need to start trying different languages to see which hell no works.

Perhaps he doesn't speak English well and hears Hell-o.

~~~

I have so much more to say. Perhaps another day.

Randomness:

Blogging has become tedious.

I haven't talked to Chris since the day after my birthday... wondering what happened with him.

I'm frustrated with my lack of knowledge on designing web pages and HTML. My Idiot's Guide doesn't realize just how much of an Idiot I really am. One day I will be content with the layout, and stop fooling around.

Scuba Steve, in an older brother fashion, warned me I might regret New Year's Eve. It's a couple nights later and I'm beginning to see his point. It all comes down to me wanting to be 20, and not being 20. Oh, and that I don't understand men. Damn.

I have to go back to school in a week. Ahh.

The end.