Tidbits of my Sunday:

XU lost. Phoo.

I'm hot as hell. Sexy also, yes Kris, but it's midnight and still probably in the 70s. Heat rises, and I'm in the penthouse.

Add one to the seven I was rambling about before, subtract one I already crossed off, and uncross all the others. Stubborn is in every one of their dictionaries.

Damn them.

Parents and girls are coming down tommorow. Party at the Dubliner around dinner time! (Let's see if all of the co-worker/numbers on my list will show. Ha. Not good.)

I need to stop talking about all of you since I'm sure you all read this. Hi. Say hello to my friends here. ---->

Kris, you and I. We need to run away together.


This is boring, and if I think so, why are you still reading it?

Cranky as hell.

People piss me off.

Other than that, life is fine.

Went out after work Friday night. Something else that pisses me off... I'm sitting with six or seven co-workers, most of us college students, drinking. We are all carrying on somewhat intelligent, normal conversations, as much as normal can be after a few red-headed sluts... (which I had nothing to do with I swear,) and here I am (there I was,) with my Sammy Light thinking about how the nephrons in my kindneys are processing my alcohol, which is a diuretic, which will force me to forget my germ-phobia and use the bathroom soon, where the fluids will travel through my collecting duct out of my kindneys through the major calyx and urethers and sooner or later into the germ filled toilet.

What grossed me out more than the dirty bathroom was the fact that after a few beers, I still remember my Anatomy studying - and I am still not getting an A in Lecture or Lab.

I need to go on a vacation from men.

Pissy, pissy, pissy.

Go XU!
Emm, India, and I were watching the rally as the basketball players load the bus and head off to Atlanta (Sweet 16 games!) from my sixth floor window. The fans and cheerleaders were doing the school chants, and at one part they were spelling something. I turned to Emm and asked her what they were spelling. "Umm, Xavier?!" Yeah. I'm dumb.

Another dumb moment from this afternoon - I'm flipping through Maxims for a psych report on media influences on finding "The One." Some of my guy friends swear that there are articles like this in Maxim. I guess they really do lie when they say they buy it for the articles... so far the only article I found that was longer than a paragraph was titled "Sword Swallowing," and it was written by a woman.

*Rolls Eyes.*

Standing at the Mailbox
I walked away last night. Stood at the front door for ten minutes to make my impulse decision less impulsive.
It has been fifteen hours. I've made it as far as the mailbox.
~
I bought new pens, the kind that ooze out ink in a black wave and often smudge. I started crossing off names a month ago.

Bob: Stagnant.
Earl:Irreparable.
Las:Platonic.
T.:Unrealistic.
Sicily:Involved.

Added one a week ago, crossed it off without a week incubation.

Bert:Supercilious.

Left one name, until fifteen hours and thirty seven minutes ago. Which brings me back to standing at the mailbox.
~
I hesitate, wondering how far along I will be before the long awaited footsteps sound behind me. Will they be fast paced? Slow and steady? Will they come at all? I linger at the mailbox, hoping I won't have to go on. Knowing I will.
Today, my goal is the street curb. Today my goal is to face forward. Today, my goal is to survive.
~
I threw my pen that oozed ink and enjoyed smudging on my wrists across the room before I could cross the last name out. It sits, untouched. Perhaps one day I can circle and star it and doodle little hearts next to it in the margin. For now, I'll leave it in the mailbox, while I take another step.

Hope.

I'm still contemplating a book about my soap opera life. I hate drama, but I seem to attract it like men. Seven men to be specific. Most of them creating drama. *Long exaggerated sigh.*
~~
I finally made it to see The Passion. St. Patrick's Day, after I got off work, I was hanging out with Lee (one of the seven, I met him a few times through his brother Sam, my co-worker,) and we started talking religion. I'm still confused as to why we were talking religion in a loud and crowded beer tent at one in the morning, but, you know. Whatever keeps you sober. Anyway, he spent an hour convincing me that the movie was worth seeing, and twice or three times, let me know he was going to take me to see it. So Friday he called and we decided to go Saturday.

I don't think you could say "favorite," but my "favorite," the scene in the movie that had the most impact on me, was a scene during Jesus' walk with the cross. Mother Mary was trying to get closer to him, but was overcome with emotions, fear predominately, and was frozen, half hiding (like we all were in the theatre during the gruesome scenes, covering our eyes but occasionally peeking,) in a doorway. And then, Jesus passes the alleyway and she sees him stumble and fall, and like all mothers, thought of when he was a child and tripped and fell, and she ran to him, then and now. You see her remember Jesus as a child, and how she held him and told him, as any mother would, how things were going to be okay, and she kissed his hurt away. Then you see her with him now, and she can not tell him the same loving words, and you see her own pain. Then later in the movie when Jesus is dying on the cross she is allowed to approach him and she kisses his feet, and smears blood and dirt on her lips and face. It was such a powerful symbol of the love and pain and the journey of the cross that Mary also went through, and how His blood was her own, and is our own.

"This is my body, and this is my blood..." What a powerful movie to help us all understand more fully the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.
~~

Another passage from my Lenten black book:

"Vengeance prevents us from moving forward, for it simply adds evil to evil. Jesus calls us to break the vicious circle of evil for evil, and to respond to evil with goodness, thus bringing creation closer to its destiny."

Something even more thought provoking from yet another passage, quoting Einstein:

"Looking at the colossal universe with all the great forces whirling about and sometimes colliding, stars exploding, he asked: 'Is all this ultimately benevolent or malevolent - working toward life or toward death?'"

That perhaps, is a question that can be applied to our life daily, is what we are doing working towards life in myself and others? Or am I slowling killing myself - physically, spiritually?

Thoughts, thoughts. More for another day. Think yourself.

Just as priests are the all-knowing about marriage, Oprah and some adult co-horts are the all-knowing on teens.

Does anyone else see the problem with this?

Before falling asleep last night ("anoche," I have a Spanish midterm Monday, eak,) I thought more being stuck in the mud.

More specifically about knowing what I want and feeling like I'm not... getting anywhere. So, while being distracted more than ever this afternoon while I tried to do my Anatomy, (also something I have an exam in on Monday,) I put on my music. My computer Media Player has a similar feature to my beloved "scan" button in my car, the "all music/random" button. While occasionally I get strange audio clips about loans, or some in Spanish from my textbook CD, I normally listen to songs that I forget I have on my computer and once enjoyed.

So! Long story short, Lifehouse's Trying came on a few minutes ago. I admire songs that actually have a meaning that I can attribute to my own life. This one seems to talk about my "stuck in the mud" feeling quite accurately.

Could you let down your hair be transparent for awhile
Just a little while
to see if you're human after all

Honesty is a hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like
we've got it all figured out

Well let me be the first to say that I
don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
ain't gonna' pretend like I do

just trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way the best that I know how

Well I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say
but I'm working on it
Maybe I'll master this- art form someday

If I quote all the lines off the top of my head
Will you believe
that I fully understand all these things I've read

I'm just trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way the best that I know how

Well I- haven't got it all figured out quite yet but
even if it takes my whole life
to get to where I need to be

And if I should fall to the bottom of the end
I'll be one step back to you, and

trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way
Oh I'm trying - to find my way
trying - to find my way

Anyway, particularly that one part about not knowing all the answers. "I don't have a clue." Perhaps I don't have it all figured out either.

I should get back to Anatomy. I guess I just wanted to post this, I think it explains some things.

Anyway.

I can't sleep.

I just got back from work, it's three ten in the morning, and I tried going to bed but my brain is on overload. I can't adjust... I just spent nine hours running around at the Dub, and now I have to sleep? It's not happening.


Chris noted my lack of posting and thought I was speechless. Perhaps I am. Perhaps I have nothing to say worthwhile.

Actually, I was thinking about my third graders while lying awake. Sam in particular. He's the ADHD/Turret's child. By seven p.m. he is a bit wild, and it is so hard to control him when he shows up for Bible school. This past Tuesday I had the kids to myself, (with a friend, Kevin, who was helping,) and they all were being so obnoxious. Sam especially was acting out, and he's been good at quitting his antics when I warn him, but this time he continued. So, after reprimanding the class again for talking and disrupting the lesson, I see Sam out of the corner of my eye holding up his homework paper with a huge grin on his face. Angry, thinking he wrote something cruel on the back of his paper and was showing the class his silly joke, I took out my frustrations on him. His face fell, and he looked crushed, so I walked over to his seat to talk with him. (We were told to remind him that even though he got "three strikes," he can win back his treat by behaving.) He gives me this hurt look and tells me that he was trying to help, and wrote "Please be Quiet," on the back of his paper. I felt like shit, and at the end of class he wouldn't even talk to me, didn't want his treat, and just wanted to leave. I had spent so much time slowly building a friendship and trust with Sam and I ruined it by assuming he was mis-behaving. I just hope that he will forget the situation by this Tuesday. It's so difficult to remember that they are just kids. They act so much older than third graders, they have that attitude and language of teens. But they are still just little kids, and sometimes as teachers/parents we forget that. I hope I don't in the future, because I never want to see that crestfallen look on a child again. It was heartbreaking.

The other thing I was thinking about was that I've fallen into another one of my "in between" stages of life. Usually I don't know what I want out of life and love, so I get stuck in the mud for awhile before I figure things out. Now it seems I know what I want for both, but have one foot still stuck in the mud. I know what I want, I'm going after it, but there's that ugly voice in the back of my mind doubting all of my decisions. Uugh. That's all I have to say about that.

I do have more to say about decisions. I am almost done, (seven weeks left I believe,) with my sophomore year, and I am thankful every day that I decided to transfer here. There is not one day that I regret coming to Xavier. I think everyone was worried, but it's nothing but wonderful. I love my job, even though I complain about it, I love being challenged by my classes, and knowing that I am doing well in the challenging courses, and I love the woman I am growing into. I was half an hour late the other day picking someone up, and it's hilarious, but I love that. (Now don't think I try to be late, I don't. I just love that flaw. I'm not perfect, and I'm not on time.) I love that I go to church every Sunday, and some Thursday's for dinner, and Tuesday's for Bible School. I love that I can be critical about my faith, and I don't feel the need to accept Everything the Catholic Church tells me. I especially love looking forward to return next semester, and not wanting to leave for the summer.

*Happy Sigh.*

On that note, goodnight.

I've been recieving random comments about my hair. (I cut it all off.) Random, as in from people I don't normally talk with. So, it's got me wondering. Is this a usual me thing, where people notice me and I never notice them? (They feel comfortable complimenting me where I don't remember their name?) Or! Is my hair that awful that people want to make me feel better by complimenting me falsely?

I'm worried.

Also, there was a phone number and email address left on one of my tables this evening. The table was about eight business people, with a very good looking guy sitting right where the number was left. I'm not sure if it was for me (!!) or if he gave it to one of the other people at the table and they accidentally left it behind. I'm thinking about emailing him just because... well. Just because you never know.

Crest Whitestrips hurt your teeth. (The pain of vanity.)


Also, emails from when I was sixteen.... what can I say?

I survived a day playing mom. Since Kelly and the real mom of the family are at the hospital this week for Kel's reversal, (conveniently during my spring break while everyone else is in Florida,) I get to play Mommy Dear to Lindsey.

My aunt called and asked how things were going, and I said just fine, I've got Linds making her own dinner right now. She laughed. Later though, I did take her to the mall, and the pet store.

I don't really like animals. I was stuck in a little box with two very hyper dogs for about half an hour, and that's about as much Mommyness as I could take. The one dog could jump about half a foot, he was hilarious, and the other tried to bite off Lind's pants. How fun. Jumping Bean dog was running is wild circles and ended up smacking his head against the wall, which led to whimpering that I only thought children were capable of after getting hurt. I did feel sorry for the little pooch, but when it licked my chin later on, I was glad to be leaving the store.

Mommyness continues tonight with some movie watching.

I can't wait.