I can't sleep.

I just got back from work, it's three ten in the morning, and I tried going to bed but my brain is on overload. I can't adjust... I just spent nine hours running around at the Dub, and now I have to sleep? It's not happening.


Chris noted my lack of posting and thought I was speechless. Perhaps I am. Perhaps I have nothing to say worthwhile.

Actually, I was thinking about my third graders while lying awake. Sam in particular. He's the ADHD/Turret's child. By seven p.m. he is a bit wild, and it is so hard to control him when he shows up for Bible school. This past Tuesday I had the kids to myself, (with a friend, Kevin, who was helping,) and they all were being so obnoxious. Sam especially was acting out, and he's been good at quitting his antics when I warn him, but this time he continued. So, after reprimanding the class again for talking and disrupting the lesson, I see Sam out of the corner of my eye holding up his homework paper with a huge grin on his face. Angry, thinking he wrote something cruel on the back of his paper and was showing the class his silly joke, I took out my frustrations on him. His face fell, and he looked crushed, so I walked over to his seat to talk with him. (We were told to remind him that even though he got "three strikes," he can win back his treat by behaving.) He gives me this hurt look and tells me that he was trying to help, and wrote "Please be Quiet," on the back of his paper. I felt like shit, and at the end of class he wouldn't even talk to me, didn't want his treat, and just wanted to leave. I had spent so much time slowly building a friendship and trust with Sam and I ruined it by assuming he was mis-behaving. I just hope that he will forget the situation by this Tuesday. It's so difficult to remember that they are just kids. They act so much older than third graders, they have that attitude and language of teens. But they are still just little kids, and sometimes as teachers/parents we forget that. I hope I don't in the future, because I never want to see that crestfallen look on a child again. It was heartbreaking.

The other thing I was thinking about was that I've fallen into another one of my "in between" stages of life. Usually I don't know what I want out of life and love, so I get stuck in the mud for awhile before I figure things out. Now it seems I know what I want for both, but have one foot still stuck in the mud. I know what I want, I'm going after it, but there's that ugly voice in the back of my mind doubting all of my decisions. Uugh. That's all I have to say about that.

I do have more to say about decisions. I am almost done, (seven weeks left I believe,) with my sophomore year, and I am thankful every day that I decided to transfer here. There is not one day that I regret coming to Xavier. I think everyone was worried, but it's nothing but wonderful. I love my job, even though I complain about it, I love being challenged by my classes, and knowing that I am doing well in the challenging courses, and I love the woman I am growing into. I was half an hour late the other day picking someone up, and it's hilarious, but I love that. (Now don't think I try to be late, I don't. I just love that flaw. I'm not perfect, and I'm not on time.) I love that I go to church every Sunday, and some Thursday's for dinner, and Tuesday's for Bible School. I love that I can be critical about my faith, and I don't feel the need to accept Everything the Catholic Church tells me. I especially love looking forward to return next semester, and not wanting to leave for the summer.

*Happy Sigh.*

On that note, goodnight.