Allergies are a beast.

~~

A friend of mine told me the other day that I hadn't been myself lately. I think it was a direct reference to the "me" before Xavier, and the "me" after Xavier. Also my father, and some select other people, still believe that by transferring I have "lost my faith." I'm not quite sure that leaving Franciscan (also known as "Heaven on Earth for Catholics,") would cause a drastic loss in faith. Not that I'm saying my faith hasn't changed, it has, but I don't believe I've "lost" it. People should stop blaming Xavier and the transfer on my different faith perspective.

This past year has been very difficult for me. My family and I have been through so much with Kel's surgery and recovery process, and I myself went through changes - I did transfer, I had much harder courses, I had to adjust with living close again to my two best friends, I had to make new friends, for the first time I lived in a diverse community, (not to mention directly across the hall from a floor-mate who decided to dislike me,) and with everything else, I finally had the opportunity, and support, to doubt my religion, and question my faith. I wasn't in classes where the professors took a vow to the Pope and taught only the Catholic belief. Quite the opposite in some cases. For the first time in my life I didn't have someone telling me what to believe and blindly accepting it. I had to choose for myself what right from wrong was. Perhaps to some people my wrong choices were most evident out of all my choices throughout the year. It's usually the case.

I seem to be defending myself, and explaining away, possibly making excuses. There are no excuses to be made. I understand that some people might believe that the choices I made this year were the wrong ones, and that those choices caused me to "lose my faith." I understand that I don't seem to be "myself" lately. Here is my view on this. I admit to making wrong decisions, but I don't regret any decision I've made this past year. I believe that in some cases we need to make the mistake, go backwards a few steps, to be able to go forward again. I also don't believe that I can be "myself" again. I am not, and I never will be, the person I once was. For that matter, I don't want to be that person. As for my "loss of faith?" I don't think it's gone forever. I actually believe, and I'm sure many will agree with me, that doubt and questioning in most cases leads to a stronger faith, and a stronger foundation of faith.

So perhaps I haven't lost my faith at all, but I have recieved the opportunity to rebuild it.