Magic 8 Baby

Having conversations with a two-year old is like asking questions to a Magic8 Ball.

"Odessa, should I have pizza for lunch?"
"No way."

She's adopted in her two years a level of confidence that I in my 22 years have yet to find. Every response is said with enthusiasm, she is always positive her answer is correct.

"Odessa, what color is this banana?"
"RED!"

Her accuracy is about as good as the Magic8 Ball's. After watching too much Barney on TV, I attempt conversation.

"Hey squirt, do you remember that guy ... ?"
"No."
"His name was..."
"No." She has no time for my foolish conversation. She already told me no.
"Well, ok. Anyway, should I do something about that situation?"
"Yea."
"Should I tell him I still like him?"
"Oh no. YUCKY."

At this point she was pointing to some fuzz on the couch that she found appalling, but her response said it all. Liking boys was yucky. Her "oh Nooo" was enough to do me in. At this point, she put her purse on her shoulder and was walking into the other room.

"Bye." She turned to me and waved. Thinking harder, she came over to me and looked up and said forcefully, "KISS."

I gave her a kiss and she walked away. I think I need to be taking some more pointers from her. Boys are quite positively yucky, but if you have enough confidence and a little force, you will rule the world.

The B Word

The disadvantage to being single is what I call the B-word. You meet a guy, fall desperately in like or a nice case of lust, and life seems quite ideal for a few days. You have one proper date, dinner and a movie. Everything seems wonderful.

Then come the convenience dates. You don't have a lot of time so he comes here, you go there. You watch TV and make-out, you talk and make-out, you listen to music and make-out. It's a conversation gone sour... small talk for a few minutes that skips right to no-talk for a few hours.

So here you are a month later with a handful of convenience dates and one proper one to show for your "relationship" of sorts. Of course, to avoid admitting you've made out with him more than you've talked to him, you brag to your friends about the great phone conversations or online chats during the day. When someone asks you say you've gone on a good number of dates and things are working out quite well. You try to believe that this is so different from the guys that just skip the proper date and take you home for the convenience kind on day one.

Then comes the B-word. You've mentioned him to a few people, but you're talking to someone you don't see often about the men in their life. And it slips out before you know it... "By the way, did I tell you I'm seeing someone?" Girls use the B-word casually... "I've sorta got a BOYFRIEND." (Like the "sorta" makes a difference.)

And so it happens once. Then again. Then all the friends you don't see to often think you're dating someone.

Once that happens is when he turns into a pathological liar. Or when he moves to Thailand. Or when he all of a sudden doesn't have the time anymore. Or when you realize he's got back hair. Or a live-in girlfriend and it's not you.

So now you have no guy at all, no convenience dates unless you count the ones with Chip Sahoy, Ben, or Jerry. And you have to turn to your friends who just a week before thought you had the B word and tell them that no, the diagnosis was wrong. You did not obtain the horrible B disease, but have found yourself with a case of the Singledomes instead.

So ladies of the world, don't ruin your new relationship by using the B-word too early. When you see that ugly patch of back hair and realize that it's going to have to end, you'll thank me from saving you from a case of misdiagnosis.