Post Damnit

Kris wonders why I haven't posted lately.


I'm living life, quite amazingly.


Muahahaaa.

Hmpf.

Moral of the day: Don't bake cookies and clean house unless you know for sure you are having company.

I'm not listening.

It's strange how songs get "stuck" in your head, and you find yourself humming to a certain tune and singing a certain lyric over and over again... but you don't know what song or who sings it....

Well this morning, I find myself humming the sole lyric: "How stupid could I be."

Granted, that phrase fits in perfectly with my life, but this morning it was even more ironic.

So here we go, the rest of the song:

Stupid by Sarah McLachlan

Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang onto keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes

[Chorus:]
how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you

[Chorus]

everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know

[Chorus]

And so it begins...

And so it begins.

I've become the only single woman in my apartment. Ally has Scott (all the time since she is never home....) Heather has Luis. (Also all the time since her roommmate Ally is never home....) And now Emily has her Scott. (Not all the time unless you count hours online and over the phone.)

And so, that leaves me.

I feel like a New Year Resolution should be to get out of the house. OFTEN.

First night back and I already feel like I can't escape the diffusing happiness in the household. Heather and her boy toy haven't seen each other in a month so her door is closed, Ally is gone (obviously,) and Em is still in the honeymoon period with her darling and is raving over everything he's said or done.

Not that it's a problem. They are all happy, the guys are happy, I'm happy for them. We're all happy.

Happy, happy, happy.

Single, single, single.

Yep, it begins. A wonderful new year.

Is that so...

Why is it that people ask you the annoying question "How do you feel?" when you turn a year older? Just because it was my birthday does not mean I feel any differently than twenty-four hours ago. (Excluding this birthday when I had the exclusive experience of 21st birthday drunkenness/hangover.) What a stupid question, honestly.

Here's how I feel now that I've been twenty-one (versus only twenty) for a few days:

I still feel like I'm sixteen and in high school.

I still want to please everyone. Including the cranky older men that come to the calendar store and ask me questions for which I have no answer.

I still enjoy most just watching movies and eating fast food (that I probably haven't eaten since high school, before I realized that fast food = bad/lawsuits/obeseness/grease) over going to a bar and not remembering muttering the phrase: "I'm such a bad girl when I'm drunk," followed by giggling.

I still wish that I could wear the clothes that all the other girls wear and have the tan body that all the other girls have even though I would never tan (just burn) and the grass isn't always green over there. (Even if there are girls lounging on it to get tan.)

I still wonder if I will ever find Mr. Right... even though I know he won't be Mr. Perfect, nor will he be any of the men that I've been recycling the past five years.

I still watch re-runs of Full House, Saved by the Bell, Step by Step, Family Matters, and the occasional Dawson's Creek.

I still compare myself to Joey on Dawson's Creek, and lament over all the Dawsons in my life. (That I won't end up with.) I still wonder where Pacey is.

I still sometimes stoop my shoulders, I don't always walk upright, and I am quite often more shy than I'd like to admit.

I still talk more than I walk.

I still blush when I receive unwarranted attention from guys. (Then I wonder if he was just looking at me because my hair was sticking up/I have food in my teeth/ I look like his younger sister.)

For everyone that bothers to ask people how they feel after they've only been so old for so many hours - here's my response. I have a hunch that next year when I turn 22 most of this will be the same. So just refer back, and save the question.

(Remember when we thought 21 was old? And we couldn't possibly imagine being so old? Surprising that we wouldn't change as much as we thought, and we still feel so much like we did back then. Are we doomed to feel sixteen forever??)